Anxiety.
The basis of my anxiety is the fear of the unknown. I wasn’t ever nervous to go to work, once I’d been doing it for a while. I knew what to expect once the uniform was on and I clocked in for a shift. I knew what to expect inside a grocery store, in a college classroom, and when taking the train. Easy as breathing air. But trying a new face mask? Making a phone call? Meeting an app date for the first time? There was no telling what could happen. Sensitive skin reacts badly to new things. No one could predict what would happen after the face product started burning. Does contact dermatitis develop into something worse? Is there a medicine for that? Is it bad enough to go to the doctor? Phone calls to businesses were typically unpredictable. I often didn’t know if I would be speaking to a man or woman, if he or she would be polite or know how to do their job. Sometimes I wasn’t sure I was calling the correct department. I’d been on plenty of first dates, so it should be routine, but each one was different. After speaking thoroughly with the other person for weeks, the idea of meeting should’ve been a more comforting thought but it never was. People misrepresent themselves, whether accidentally or intentionally, it’s a fact. Not knowing who would be showing up to enjoy or criticize dinner with me only drove my anxiety up and through the wall. It left me on the other end of dinner invitations ready to cancel before the taxi came. It left video chats unanswered. It left many foods untried, and many tasks unattempted.
I could only imagine what life would be free from anxiety, or fear. For some, uncertainty was the reason for doing something, not stopping. I knew in the back of my head that there wasn’t anything really to be afraid of but internally I couldn’t stop the feeling of a deep pit in my stomach swimming with fish and butterflies. Sometimes it bubbled into my throat, tricking me into thinking I could throw up. My heart ran twice as fast, like I’d come from a sprint down the block, all initiated with just a few words.
